Mission: To publish satirical news stories which promote a biblical worldview.
To help people stop being depressed, especially Christians.
To help people stop being depressed, especially Christians.
Children Prefer Easter Bunny to Jesus; Study Finds
95 per cent of Christian Agree the other 5 per cent should continue doing all the work
Man with 12 Subscribers releases video on how to be successful on youtube
Drug Company Releases new Anti-Depressant, side effects include Major Depression
A new anti-depressant drug has been flying off the shelves due to the world=wide epidemic of depression, especially amongst young people.
A spokesperson for the pharmaceutical company who released the drug said the main benefit of the pill is that it's small and easy to swallow. "You could almost swallow it without water," she said. "And with many people now having to pay for bottled water, the financial savings are significant."
So far the drug has only been tested on depressed lab rats. Prior to receiving the drug most of the rats showed little interest in activities that normally excited them, such as eating garbage and hanging out in sewers. But after receiving the drug the rats who survived seemed to have more energy.
Although some of the rats became even more depressed after taking the drug, it apparently only happened in about 50 per cent of the cases. "So basically, yeah, you have a 50 per cent chance of becoming more depressed than you were before," she explained. "But you might also begin to feel better. Who really knows? But the main thing to keep in mind is that it's called an anti-depressant, and, well, it's small and easy to swallow, as I mentioned already."
A new anti-depressant drug has been flying off the shelves due to the world=wide epidemic of depression, especially amongst young people.
A spokesperson for the pharmaceutical company who released the drug said the main benefit of the pill is that it's small and easy to swallow. "You could almost swallow it without water," she said. "And with many people now having to pay for bottled water, the financial savings are significant."
So far the drug has only been tested on depressed lab rats. Prior to receiving the drug most of the rats showed little interest in activities that normally excited them, such as eating garbage and hanging out in sewers. But after receiving the drug the rats who survived seemed to have more energy.
Although some of the rats became even more depressed after taking the drug, it apparently only happened in about 50 per cent of the cases. "So basically, yeah, you have a 50 per cent chance of becoming more depressed than you were before," she explained. "But you might also begin to feel better. Who really knows? But the main thing to keep in mind is that it's called an anti-depressant, and, well, it's small and easy to swallow, as I mentioned already."
House Built on Sand Collapses - Builder Claims Ignorance of Matthew 7:24-27
Christian Man Finds Bible More Helpful When He Actually Reads It
Church Expands Communion Bread to Wafer Size due to increase of Evil
One local church has decided to take aggressive action against the rampant increase in evil they see in today's society.
"What we see today is a proliferation of evil, the likes of which haven't been seen since the invention of television," said the church's minister. "We felt we had to do something."
He went on to explain that the church has been using those little round communion wafers but people seemed to be just as bad after receiving the emblems as they were before receiving them.
"Church members and adherents would come to church and receive communion and then go right back to living like the devil," explained the minister. "I wondered what to do. And then it hit me."
The minister said it was as if God was speaking to him directly, in an audible voice. "No wonder there's so much godlessness in your community. Your communion bread is too small."
The plan to increase the emblems to wafer size hasn't been without opposition.
"What does he think we're all monsters or something?" questioned one disgruntled member. "Is he going to make us drink grape juice from jugs too?"
"Actually, that's not a bad idea," the minister was reportedly said to have responded.
One local church has decided to take aggressive action against the rampant increase in evil they see in today's society.
"What we see today is a proliferation of evil, the likes of which haven't been seen since the invention of television," said the church's minister. "We felt we had to do something."
He went on to explain that the church has been using those little round communion wafers but people seemed to be just as bad after receiving the emblems as they were before receiving them.
"Church members and adherents would come to church and receive communion and then go right back to living like the devil," explained the minister. "I wondered what to do. And then it hit me."
The minister said it was as if God was speaking to him directly, in an audible voice. "No wonder there's so much godlessness in your community. Your communion bread is too small."
The plan to increase the emblems to wafer size hasn't been without opposition.
"What does he think we're all monsters or something?" questioned one disgruntled member. "Is he going to make us drink grape juice from jugs too?"
"Actually, that's not a bad idea," the minister was reportedly said to have responded.
Church Drummer Seizes Up during extended offering hymn
Emergency Crews worked tirelessly to remove the church drummer from the platform Sunday past. The ordeal began when the music team decided to sing all 15 stanzas of the offering hymn.
"Usually we do a shortened version in case a young person comes to church with their grandmother," explained the church's 93 year-old music director. "But this morning I began to feel the effects of my morning tea and decided to sing the entire hymn."
The full hymn fiasco was a little bit too much for the drummer, who is accustomed to barely moving his hands and arms while keeping the beat for 300 year-old hymns, but not for such a long period of time.
"When the hymns are shortened to 10 minutes or so I get a rest, a chance to stretch my arms," explained the drummer. "But when aunt Bettsy got the glory fits this morning it seemed like the hymn would never end. I could feel the stiffness setting in until I eventually couldn't move a muscle."
The pastor attempted to resolve the issue by getting the music director to sign a pledge "to never sing a full hymn in church again." The music director has yet to sign the form though, sighting possible complications with arthritis in her right hand.
Emergency Crews worked tirelessly to remove the church drummer from the platform Sunday past. The ordeal began when the music team decided to sing all 15 stanzas of the offering hymn.
"Usually we do a shortened version in case a young person comes to church with their grandmother," explained the church's 93 year-old music director. "But this morning I began to feel the effects of my morning tea and decided to sing the entire hymn."
The full hymn fiasco was a little bit too much for the drummer, who is accustomed to barely moving his hands and arms while keeping the beat for 300 year-old hymns, but not for such a long period of time.
"When the hymns are shortened to 10 minutes or so I get a rest, a chance to stretch my arms," explained the drummer. "But when aunt Bettsy got the glory fits this morning it seemed like the hymn would never end. I could feel the stiffness setting in until I eventually couldn't move a muscle."
The pastor attempted to resolve the issue by getting the music director to sign a pledge "to never sing a full hymn in church again." The music director has yet to sign the form though, sighting possible complications with arthritis in her right hand.
Society Completely Forgets Jesus now that Easter is Over
Church Claims Success in its effort to Eradicate the Fear of God
or
Church Working Hard to Completely Eradicate Fear of God
or
Church Working Hard to Completely Eradicate Fear of God
Nominal Husband Who only Sees Wife about Twice A Year insists their Marriage is Fine
One local husband who spends very little time in the presence of his wife feels that everything is just fine in their "relationship."
"I work a lot, and I have other interests," he said. "I just don't have a lot of time to spare, and besides, I don't think I actually have to spend time with my wife to prove that I love her. I told her I loved her the day we were married and that if anything changed I would let her know."
The man normally visits his wife on the traditional dates of her birthday and their anniversary, which he said "should be enough for her." In between those two yearly visits the man spends a considerable amount of time with other women.
"I try to be inclusive," he said. "The fact is, my wife is not the only attractive woman in the world, there's literally thousands, if not millions, of them out there. If I limit myself to one woman. is that really fair to the other women in my life?"
Meanwhile, the man's wife says she is perfectly fine with the arrangement, because she likes spending time with other men. "I mean there's really no right or wrong way to have a relationship with your spouse," she said, "Whatever works for us is perfectly fine isn't it? Don't we live in a post-modern society?"
The couple insists their lack of commitment to each other hasn't had any negative impact on their two kids, although they haven't seen either of them in several years, and are not even sure if they're alive or dead.
One local husband who spends very little time in the presence of his wife feels that everything is just fine in their "relationship."
"I work a lot, and I have other interests," he said. "I just don't have a lot of time to spare, and besides, I don't think I actually have to spend time with my wife to prove that I love her. I told her I loved her the day we were married and that if anything changed I would let her know."
The man normally visits his wife on the traditional dates of her birthday and their anniversary, which he said "should be enough for her." In between those two yearly visits the man spends a considerable amount of time with other women.
"I try to be inclusive," he said. "The fact is, my wife is not the only attractive woman in the world, there's literally thousands, if not millions, of them out there. If I limit myself to one woman. is that really fair to the other women in my life?"
Meanwhile, the man's wife says she is perfectly fine with the arrangement, because she likes spending time with other men. "I mean there's really no right or wrong way to have a relationship with your spouse," she said, "Whatever works for us is perfectly fine isn't it? Don't we live in a post-modern society?"
The couple insists their lack of commitment to each other hasn't had any negative impact on their two kids, although they haven't seen either of them in several years, and are not even sure if they're alive or dead.
Priest Surprised to find word "Repentance" in Bible
Trudeau Proposes New Charity Fund to Support Poverty-stricken Terrorists
Christian Surprised by Failure of Tract Distribution Ministry
Pastor Spends Hours Looking for Verse that Commands all the world to go into every church and hear the gospel preached
Man Who Enters Pastoral Ministry for the Money Advised to Undergo Psychiatric Assessment
Young Man Who Doesn't Love People Enough to Actually Visit them and/or Pray with them Can't Wait to get started in Pastoral Career
Pastor Admits His Sermon Prep Time Consists Mostly of Watching TV and Surfing Facebook
Man with Jesus Bumper Stickers Admits to Frequent Outbursts of Road Rage
Pastor Insists He's Easy to Get Along With as Long as Everyone Agrees with Him and does what He tells them
Pastor Preaches Himself to Death after Congregational Members Shout Him Through with Several Amens and Hallelujahs
Pastor Requires Surgery after Positive Comments about His Preaching Style Causes Head to Swell to Triple its Normal Size
Local "Prophet" Declares Spiders to be Judgement from God
Study Shows link between Prayer and Answers
Man who Refuses to Believe in Anything He can't see, gets Blown Over by Gust of Wind
A certain atheist was making a youtube video explaining the futility of believing in an invisible God when suddenly a gust of wind came out of nowhere and blew the man right off his feet.
"I simply can't bring myself to believe in things that I can't see," the man began to say, just before the sudden wind storm. After regaining his composure and taking several deep breaths in order to fill his lungs with the oxygen he needs to survive the man continued to rant and rave about the foolishness of "blind faith."
A certain atheist was making a youtube video explaining the futility of believing in an invisible God when suddenly a gust of wind came out of nowhere and blew the man right off his feet.
"I simply can't bring myself to believe in things that I can't see," the man began to say, just before the sudden wind storm. After regaining his composure and taking several deep breaths in order to fill his lungs with the oxygen he needs to survive the man continued to rant and rave about the foolishness of "blind faith."
Pastor refuses to change Preaching Style Despite Declining Attendance
Church Attendance Doubles after Pastor increases use of the word "Engage"
Pastor Fired after Failing to be in Two Places at Once
Church turns sanctuary into full blown coffee shop
Church installs Drive-thru window to Dispense fast spiritual food
Prosperity Preacher shocked to find story of Rich man in Hades in the Bible
Man Tries new diet, says it was the worst four hours of his life
Pharmaceutical Company Admits pill to combat ADHD really just Candy
Local Christian cuts up credit cards fearing they carry mark of the Beast
Christian man eats like a pig in order to stay Humble
Man's Sickness only allows him to do things he wants OR Man's Faith......
After heated Discussion Church Board reaches consensus to adjust Thermostat by one degree
A blonde who want to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started advertising a rich neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?”
The blonde said, “How about 40 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband, “Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?
“The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money. “You finished fast!” he said.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?”
The blonde said, “How about 40 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband, “Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?
“The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money. “You finished fast!” he said.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Church Installs lazy boys in Front Row
BABBLE PRESS - In an attempt to get more people to sit in the front pews Rocky Mountain Community Church has installed lazy boy chairs in its front row. The church's pastor says they decided lazy boys were the way to go because they are just "so comfortable."
"I'm actually considering placing one on the platform for myself," he said. "I just feel that church should be a comfortable place. Just like home."
Flatscreen TV's might be next on the agenda, says the Pastor. We want to give people that homey feel.
A member of the church board, known for his vision-casting ability, says they probably won't stop there.
"I see couches," he said. "Couches everywhere. And of course, love-seats. I mean, where better to have 'love-seats' then in the church."
Meanwhile, the pastor says they are also considering the installation of wooden benches to replace the back pews.
"The benches will be rock hard," he said. "No comfort for the back benchers. From now on, if they want comfort they'll have to sit in the front or on the platform itself."
"I'm actually considering placing one on the platform for myself," he said. "I just feel that church should be a comfortable place. Just like home."
Flatscreen TV's might be next on the agenda, says the Pastor. We want to give people that homey feel.
A member of the church board, known for his vision-casting ability, says they probably won't stop there.
"I see couches," he said. "Couches everywhere. And of course, love-seats. I mean, where better to have 'love-seats' then in the church."
Meanwhile, the pastor says they are also considering the installation of wooden benches to replace the back pews.
"The benches will be rock hard," he said. "No comfort for the back benchers. From now on, if they want comfort they'll have to sit in the front or on the platform itself."
Man takes to Social Media to Warn of its Dangers!
BABBLERS PRESS - A certain man has committed to spending several hours every day working his various social media accounts to warn people of the dangers of spending too much time online. The man mainly uses Facebook and twitter to spread his message.
"It can almost become an obsession," he said, "and I feel it's my duty as a Christian to warn people about the consequences of becoming a web addict. Social media has its place. But you really have to limit the amount of time you spend surfing the net."
Through various blog posts and tweets the man encourages people to spend more time outdoors enjoying nature though he himself rarely sees the light of day.
"Get out and enjoy the sun," one of his posts reads. "UV rays are not as harmful as you think and there is such a thing as sunblock."
The man refused to discuss the actual amount of time he spends online with his "ministry to web addicts" but admitted that he hasn't had a quality conservation with his wife in several weeks, rarely sees his kids and that he purchased a full bottle of sunblock two months ago which remains unopened.
The man has developed several nervous twitches since beginning his ministry and is currently undergoing psychotherapy but said he's glad to sacrifice his own mental and emotional well-being for the benefit of others. "One day my wife and kids and a multitude of complete strangers will thank me. At least I hope they will," the man concluded with a nervous laugh.
"It can almost become an obsession," he said, "and I feel it's my duty as a Christian to warn people about the consequences of becoming a web addict. Social media has its place. But you really have to limit the amount of time you spend surfing the net."
Through various blog posts and tweets the man encourages people to spend more time outdoors enjoying nature though he himself rarely sees the light of day.
"Get out and enjoy the sun," one of his posts reads. "UV rays are not as harmful as you think and there is such a thing as sunblock."
The man refused to discuss the actual amount of time he spends online with his "ministry to web addicts" but admitted that he hasn't had a quality conservation with his wife in several weeks, rarely sees his kids and that he purchased a full bottle of sunblock two months ago which remains unopened.
The man has developed several nervous twitches since beginning his ministry and is currently undergoing psychotherapy but said he's glad to sacrifice his own mental and emotional well-being for the benefit of others. "One day my wife and kids and a multitude of complete strangers will thank me. At least I hope they will," the man concluded with a nervous laugh.
Church Apologizes for Preaching the Gospel
BABBLERS PRESS - Members of a local evangelical church finally decided to publicly apologize for its efforts to reach people with the gospel.
At a public meeting held in the church's parking lot The Pastor admitted through tears that he had led God's people astray with his constant emphasis on "reaching the lost."
"Who are we to try and influence people for eternity, shouldn't people have the right to go to hell if they want too?" said the pastor as the crowd erupted in applause.
The pastor also told those in attendance that he has spent far too many sleepless nights thinking about people who may have missed out on the horrors of hell because of his ignorance. "I remember visiting a friend who was on his deathbed and asking him if he would like to receive Jesus," said the pastor as he choked back tears. "And then I....I prayed with him and now I fear he's in heaven today because of me."
"If only I had left him alone. He could have been enjoying the torments of hell and the utter despair of an eternity without God."
Several other members also confessed their concern over friends and loved ones who may have escaped hell because of prayers for their salvation. "I don't know what I was thinking," said one man who wished to remain nameless. "Why should my loved ones have to spend eternity in heaven because I was too stubborn to quit praying? All that singing, joy, eternal bliss and absence of pain, who really wants that anyway?"
Another man said he is filled with regret concerning times when he made people feel uncomfortable by talking to them about Jesus.
"Can eternity ever compensate for a couple of minutes of awkwardness?" questioned the man.
Meanwhile, the church board are now considering turning their church building into a convenience store, coffee shop, or pub. "It all depends on what the people want," said one deacon. "We just want everybody to be happy."
At a public meeting held in the church's parking lot The Pastor admitted through tears that he had led God's people astray with his constant emphasis on "reaching the lost."
"Who are we to try and influence people for eternity, shouldn't people have the right to go to hell if they want too?" said the pastor as the crowd erupted in applause.
The pastor also told those in attendance that he has spent far too many sleepless nights thinking about people who may have missed out on the horrors of hell because of his ignorance. "I remember visiting a friend who was on his deathbed and asking him if he would like to receive Jesus," said the pastor as he choked back tears. "And then I....I prayed with him and now I fear he's in heaven today because of me."
"If only I had left him alone. He could have been enjoying the torments of hell and the utter despair of an eternity without God."
Several other members also confessed their concern over friends and loved ones who may have escaped hell because of prayers for their salvation. "I don't know what I was thinking," said one man who wished to remain nameless. "Why should my loved ones have to spend eternity in heaven because I was too stubborn to quit praying? All that singing, joy, eternal bliss and absence of pain, who really wants that anyway?"
Another man said he is filled with regret concerning times when he made people feel uncomfortable by talking to them about Jesus.
"Can eternity ever compensate for a couple of minutes of awkwardness?" questioned the man.
Meanwhile, the church board are now considering turning their church building into a convenience store, coffee shop, or pub. "It all depends on what the people want," said one deacon. "We just want everybody to be happy."
Mr. Nerves almost enjoys church
BABBLE ON PRESS - A man whom friends call "Mr. Nerves" had "a pretty good devotional time" Sunday morning past and felt good about attending family worship at his local assembly. Several people shook his hand in the foyer and he even enjoyed a quality 30 second conversation with the pastor prior to the service.
Mr. Nerves said the service started well, he was enjoying the uplifting music, and he began thinking that just maybe church would be a positive experience this time around. But then the inevitable started to happen. "I began to wonder if I had locked the front door after leaving the house," he explained, "then one of my kids asked to use the bathroom and it was all downhill from there."
On the way to the bathroom the rattled father began thinking about how much he hated his job, his lawn which needed to be mowed and his back deck which was in desperate need of a paint job. He further began to wonder if he was really making enough money to make the payments on his car, mortgage, property tax, VISA, line of credit, cable, phone, internet, heat and light, and antivirus protection for his computer.
By the time he got back to his seat Mr. Nerves was experiencing shortness of breath while sweating profusely. "I felt dizzy," he admitted. "My heart was racing. My back was aching. There was a loud bang and I almost jumped out of my seat. It was embarrassing, especially when I realized it was just the drummer hitting the crash symbol and base drum at the same time."
By the time the preaching started Mr. Nerves had completely tuned out. "I was already thinking about dinner," he said. "My stomach was grumbling. I felt like I was starving to death."
Next Sunday Mr. Nerves plans to extend his morning devotional time to 10 minutes. He might even read a full chapter of the bible if time permits. ""I don't want to be fanatical but if it takes a full chapter to calm me down then I'm willing to make the sacrifice," he said. Mr. Nerves looked like he was going to say more but he suddenly became distracted, developed a troubled look on his face and abruptly ended the interview.
Mr. Nerves said the service started well, he was enjoying the uplifting music, and he began thinking that just maybe church would be a positive experience this time around. But then the inevitable started to happen. "I began to wonder if I had locked the front door after leaving the house," he explained, "then one of my kids asked to use the bathroom and it was all downhill from there."
On the way to the bathroom the rattled father began thinking about how much he hated his job, his lawn which needed to be mowed and his back deck which was in desperate need of a paint job. He further began to wonder if he was really making enough money to make the payments on his car, mortgage, property tax, VISA, line of credit, cable, phone, internet, heat and light, and antivirus protection for his computer.
By the time he got back to his seat Mr. Nerves was experiencing shortness of breath while sweating profusely. "I felt dizzy," he admitted. "My heart was racing. My back was aching. There was a loud bang and I almost jumped out of my seat. It was embarrassing, especially when I realized it was just the drummer hitting the crash symbol and base drum at the same time."
By the time the preaching started Mr. Nerves had completely tuned out. "I was already thinking about dinner," he said. "My stomach was grumbling. I felt like I was starving to death."
Next Sunday Mr. Nerves plans to extend his morning devotional time to 10 minutes. He might even read a full chapter of the bible if time permits. ""I don't want to be fanatical but if it takes a full chapter to calm me down then I'm willing to make the sacrifice," he said. Mr. Nerves looked like he was going to say more but he suddenly became distracted, developed a troubled look on his face and abruptly ended the interview.
