Little Hannah had never spent a night in the country before, and she was nervous about the sounds of the crickets, frogs, and insects outside the door of their vacation cabin. Her little voice whined in the darkness, “Mommy, everything buzzes, and I ‘m afraid.”
“Don’t be afraid,” said her mother. “Remember the angels are right here watching over you.”
A few minutes later, little Hannah said “Aough!”
“What is it now,” Hannah?” asked her mother.
“I don’t know,” said Hannah, voice trembling. “But I think one of the angels just bit me.”
The Pastor was putting away the decorations shortly after Christmas and he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from the manger scene. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.
He walked up to the boy and said, “Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?”
The boy answered honestly, “In the church.”
“Why did you take him?” the pastor asked.
“Well,” said the boy, “I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told him that if He gave me one, I’d take Him for a ride in it.”
A journalist assigned to Jerusalem rented an apartment overlooking the wailing wall. Every day when she looked out she could see an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist went down and introduced herself to the old man.
She asked him, “You come here every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?”
The old man replied, “I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home to have a cup of tea and come back to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.”
The journalist was amazed. So she asked him, “How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?”
The old man looked at her sadly and said, “It feels like I’m talking to a wall.”
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.
Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.
After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.
Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.
Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”
Earl feared his wife Maxine wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to get a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, Maxine was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
So in a normal tone he asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
So Earl moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, “Maxine, what’s for dinner?” Still no response.
Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again, he got no response.
So, Earl walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Once more, there was no response.
He walked right up behind her. “Maxine, what’s for dinner?”
“For goodness sake, Earl, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!!”
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic… think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, one day, he prayed for something different.
“Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong,’ and how I can make this woman truly happy.”
There was a long silence. Then the Lord finally replied,
“You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
A Jaguar mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of an E-Type when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in the garage. The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this? The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $30,000 a year and you make $600,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic:
"Try doing it with the engine running."
A man had been lost and walking in the desert for about five days. One hot day, he comes to the home of a preacher. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The preacher takes him in and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the preacher for directions to the nearest town. The preacher tells him the directions, and offers to lend him his horse to make it. The preacher says, "However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Anxious to get to town, the man say, "Sure, okay," and gets on the horse. He says, "Thank God" and sure enough, the horse starts walking. A bit later he says louder, "Thank God, Thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God! Thank God! Thank God!" and the horse is soon up to a full run!"
About then he realizes he's heading for a huge cliff and yells, "Whoa!" But the horse doesn't even slow down! The cliff is approaching fast and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!!"
The horse stops a mere two inches from the cliff's edge, almost throwing him over its head. The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans back in the saddle. "Oh!" he said, gasping for air, "Thank God."
Two men had locked themselves out of their car. "Let's use a coat hanger to pull up the lock," suggested the first.
"Oh, no," argued the second. "Someone might see us and think we were trying to break in."
"Then we could use my pocketknife to cut away the rubber around the window and stick our fingers through to pull up the lock."
"No, no! People would think we're too stupid to know how to use a coat hanger to open cars."
"Well, we'd better do something fast. The top's down and it's starting to rain."
A wife and mom invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
“Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered, smiling.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
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