Study Finds Link Between Drinking and Drunkenness

BABBLERS PRESS - According to a ground breaking new study conducted by scientists at the University of Tilt Cove (UTC) there appears to be a direct correlation between drinking alcohol and drunkenness. A study that examined 20 drunkards and 20 teetotalers over a period of two years found that the former were 100 per cent more likely to get drunk than the later. 

Dutch Blitz, one of the leading scientists at UTC, said the most shocking finding of all was that the teetotalers never got drunk at all. "They were sober for the entire 24 month duration of the study," he said. "It's almost unbelievable but it seems to indicate that the only way to avoid getting drunk is to completely abstain from alcohol consumption." 

Mr. Blitz said their findings could revolutionize the way society looks at the common practise of social drinking. "In many cases the drunkards started out having a few social drinks but they invariably ended up having 'one too many', which led to a state of inebriation," he said. "The implication seems to be that if they were drinking anything other than alcohol they would have remained sober." 

Mr. Blitz added that even when the teetotalers drank caffeine enriched beverages "they still remained sober, even while experiencing a temporary boost of energy."