Man Breaks Perfect Church Attendance Record, Gets Sucked Into the Bowels of Hades

BABBLERS PRESS - Despite various warnings from his legalistic Pastor concerning the dangers of skipping church one local parishioner took a chance and ended up paying a terrible price. 

The man's wife said her husband had a perfect attendance record up until Sunday past and seemed to be a shoe-in to make heaven. "But he was really tired Sunday morning," she explained. "And he just decided he wanted to sleep in. So I got the kids ready and we went without him. When we got home everything was gone. My husband, our house, everything." 

A local neighbour who witnessed the event said they've never seen anything like it. "A giant sink-hole just opened up and swallowed the entire house," said the neighbour. Other sources confirmed that the event occurred around the same time that the morning service was starting. 

The man's wife said their pastor has been "comforting her" by reassuring her that her husband's death was a judgement from God and that he is now likely regretting his decision and will probably do so for all of eternity. 

"I believe his death is an example to the rest of the flock concerning the dangers of church skipping," the pastor is reported to have said. ​