"What does this babbler want to say?" - Acts 17:18
"What does this babbler want to say?" - Acts 17:18
BABBLERS PRESS - A man whose wi-fi was down for the better part of a day says his dopamine levels dropped to dangerous levels during the ordeal.
"Usually, I am able to check on the videos and photos I have uploaded to the internet to see how many likes and shares I am getting," he explained. "Just checking my posts and seeing the likes triggers a release of dopamine in my brain which increases my sense of well-being. And when that process is interrupted it creates havoc with my moods."
The man's wife said her husband's moods are unpredictable during the best of times but when the wifi goes down there's no telling what kind of mental and emotional state he could find himself in. "I wouldn't say he's moody, it's just that he can swing from happy to sad to angry to grouchy in the space of about 20 minutes," she said. "Social media helps with the process because if he's feeling down he can check his various accounts to get the Dopamine fix he so desperately needs."
Meanwhile, the man is wondering if there is such a thing as "dopamine deficiency pills," for people like himself who who don't have a reliable internet connection.
BABBLERS PRESS - "They're always going on trips," said a local woman through tears, referring to her hundreds of Facebook friends who seem to be living an exceptionally happy and exciting life. "And their kids seem to be jewels of perfection." she continued. "Always smiling. Always winning medals and trophies. Am I the only one left on the planet with a dysfunctional family?"
After several hours of counselling the woman began to realize that Facebook does not always present an accurate picture of a person's life. "People tend to post pictures of special events and times when they appear to be happy," said the counsellor, who specializes in 'Facebook Depression.' "They usually don't post pictures when they're sad or grumpy."
The counsellor said it's not uncommon for people to smile just for a picture and then go right back to frowning. "We've even heard of cases where families on vacation stopped arguing long enough to take a family selfie and then continued fighting like cats and dogs once their little photoshoot is over," she further explained.
Meanwhile, the woman is still debating whether to spend less time on Facebook or to further max out her VISA in a last ditch effort to live a lifestyle she can't really afford.
BABBLERS PRESS - One local Christian man says he's not one bit bashful about sharing his faith and he totally plans to start doing it as soon as his feelings line up with his intentions..
"Believe me, I fully intend to share my faith, but right now the feeling is just not there," he said. "It's like exercise. There are times when I want to work-out or go for a walk but by the time I'm ready to do it the feeling usually passes. And so I don't do it."
The overweight and grossly out of shape man said he expects the "urge to share" to come someday but until then he's content to let his friends and neighbours continue their lives without knowing Jesus.
"There's a part of me that wants to share my faith," he said. "But there's another part of me that doesn't want to share my faith, or do much of anything for that matter. So ['m just going to wait for the two parts to get in agreement. What else can I do?"
BABBLERS PRESS - A local man who can't seem to get enough of the latest world headlines is troubled by a dark cloud that seems to be hanging over his head.
"It's not a literal cloud but it has the same effect," the man said. "There's a darkness looming over me and I can't seem to get rid of it. I spend hours everyday consuming news on TV and online and yet I don't feel any better."
A local psychologist said the man's depression may be partially due to the fact that the average news story coming out of major media outlets is generally negative in nature. "There's isn't much positive news," she said. "The focus tends to be on serious issues like murders, terrorist attacks or threats of attacks, mass shootings, problems with the economy or tweets by Donald Trump."
Meanwhile, the man said if things don't change with respect to his dismal mood he may have to switch from watching news to something a little less depressing such as horror movies, unsolved murder mysteries, or documentaries about how the planet is gradually being destroyed by global warming.
"If that doesn't work I may try reading the bible," he said. "I think there's a book in there called Lamentations or something. I'll probably start with that one."
BABBLERS PRESS - Despite the proliferation of studies that identify certain foods as unhealthy a ground-breaking new study has found that food consumption in general actually increases a person's life expectancy.
The study was conducted by leading scientists from various universities. The scientists studied the effects of eating various types of food on two groups of rats over a period of several weeks. One group of rats were given food to eat. The other rats were given no food whatsoever. The scientists are now describing the results of their study as "astonishing."
"The rats who ate food lived, while the rats who didn't eat food died," said one of the scientists. "The implications of these findings are difficult to overstate. It certainly gives us a lot to chew on."
The study comes as welcome news to the millions of people who are getting ready to stuff themselves with turkey in celebration of the birth of Christ.
BABBLERS PRESS - The parents of one eight year-old boy are still reeling from the news that their son has CSS, but they aren't totally surprised.
"We knew something was wrong when we saw that he couldn't be serious about anything," said the boy's father. "When we get angry with him he thinks we're joking."
The father said they initially thought their son was simply watching too many funny cat videos on Youtube but have since learned that Silliness is a disease that can only be treated with the right medication.
"He laughs a lot," added the boy's mother. "Sometimes at inappropriate times. He's a handful for his teachers at school. Spit balls. Paper airplanes. Pranks on both teachers and fellow students.. If it'll get other kids laughing he'll do it. But he can't help it. It's the disease. Apparently, he was born with it."
The mother added that they're hoping medication will help their boy return to some level of normalcy. She also added that both her and husband were relieved to discover that their boy's silliness has nothing to do with bad parenting.
BABBLER PRESS - It all started when a local man grew increasingly irritated and cranky with his wife and kids.
“I knew something was wrong,” said his wife. “I knew he needed help. So we did an intervention.”
That intervention included a trip to the family doctor and a series of tests, which resulted in a diagnosis of tiredness. Apparently, the man has an affinity for electronic devices, including his laptop, iPad and iPhone, which keeps him up late at night checking facebook, twitter, google-plus and his e-mail, to name just a few.
Groundbreaking studies reveal a link between extra sleep and a decrease in tiredness. “My doctor told me, based on the latest research, that if I go to bed earlier at night I won’t be as tired the next day,” said the man. “So I tried it and much to my surprise it really worked. I feel much better and I’m not as quick tempered with those closest to me.”
The man was equally shocked to find a Bible verse that supports the scientific research. The verse in question is Psalm 127:2 which says: “It is vain for you to rise up early, To sit up late, To eat the bread of sorrows; For so He gives His beloved sleep.”
Christian news that's usually fictional, sometimes funny and always faith friendly!
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