"What does this babbler want to say?" - Acts 17:18
"What does this babbler want to say?" - Acts 17:18
BABBLERS PRESS - A certain minister was experiencing severe brain freeze when it came to a sermon topic for his five minute Sunday homily and decided to read his bible in a moment of sheer desperation.
"Sunday was approaching fast," he explained. "I couldn't think of anything to say. I was tired of watching TV and surfing the internet so I decided to try something different."
The minister said he's usually a pretty level headed guy and certainly doesn't consider himself to be a radical Christian.
"I'm not really into prayer or bible reading on a personal level," he admitted. "But you wouldn't believe some of the stuff in there. I actually found a Boney M song in the psalms? That was such a cool revelation for me."
The revelation was so cool for the minister that he now plans to preach on that very psalm (Psalm 137) this coming Sunday. His message is reportedly called, "Boney M and the Bible: Finding Inspiration in Unexpected Places."
Meanwhile, the minister said he's still not sure if he'll make personal bible reading a part of his every day life. "It's okay for sermon material I guess, but I really don't see its relevance for me personally," he concluded, before grabbing a cold beer from the fridge.
BABBLERS PRESS - Thinking marriage would cure his tendency to be attracted to members of the opposite sex, one Christian man now finds himself in a place of great disillusionment.
"When I see a beautiful woman walk past me I'm still tempted to turn my head and look at her, " lamented the man. "I find her attractive even though she's not my wife. What's wrong with me? Am I a pervert or something?"
A noted Christian counsellor said it's not uncommon for Christian men, even married ones, to retain some level of sexual desire toward attractive women in general, even after they've committed their lives to Christ. For some, the attraction even increases.
One self-professed heterosexual explained that he was depressed when he became a Christian and as the depression lifted his basic desires and appetites seemed to come alive, including his sexual appetite. "This was deeply disturbing to me at first," said the man. "I thought sex was basically an evil thing, something to be repressed, certainly not expressed or experienced."
Through much counselling, the formerly depressed Christian learned that sexual desire is a God-given desire. "It's not evil in and of itself," he said. "Being attracted to women is not perverted, it's actually normal."
Meanwhile, the counsellor did caution that sexual desire, like any natural desire, needs to be subject to proper restraints. "The only biblically sanctioned expression of sexual desire is within the bonds of matrimony," he concluded.
BABBLERS PRESS - A teenager who has engaged in sexual intercourse with her boyfriend on numerous occasions doesn't understand why God didn't protect her from an unwanted pregnancy.
"I'm a Christian, under grace, shouldn't God protect me from the consequences of my actions," asked the girl, who expressed her anger at God during a recent counselling session with her pastor. The pastor said he tried to explain the fact that you can't blame God for your own bad choices and that sin has consequences.
The girl said she doesn't understand what sin has to do with her particular situation. "If two people love each other, and decide to express that love in a physical way, is that sin?" she questioned. "Can something that feels so right be so wrong?"
The girl, who insists she doesn't have a self-centred bone in her body, concluded by saying that she hasn't yet decided whether to put her baby up for adoption or to abort it but said her final decision will be based on "whatever is easier for me."
BABBLERS PRESS - Despite the proliferation of studies that identify certain foods as unhealthy a ground-breaking new study has found that food consumption in general actually increases a person's life expectancy.
The study was conducted by leading scientists from various universities. The scientists studied the effects of eating various types of food on two groups of rats over a period of several weeks. One group of rats were given food to eat. The other rats were given no food whatsoever. The scientists are now describing the results of their study as "astonishing."
"The rats who ate food lived, while the rats who didn't eat food died," said one of the scientists. "The implications of these findings are difficult to overstate. It certainly gives us a lot to chew on."
The study comes as welcome news to the millions of people who are getting ready to stuff themselves with turkey in celebration of the birth of Christ.
BABBLERS PRESS - Angelic spokesmen have confirmed that one local man actually made it to heaven even though he made many mistakes during his lifetime and never seemed to measure up to the moral standards he set for himself. The man, who recently died from old age, spent much of his lifetime beating himself up over his failures and tormenting himself because of his shortcomings.
"I was quite shocked that I made it here," said the man, who is now enjoying eternal bliss in the presence of the God He served for most of his adult life. The angel Gabriel confirmed that the man's church attendance was sporadic, he sometimes lost his temper with his kids, tended toward selfishness and sometimes struggled to see women as something other than sex objects.
In the final analysis God's grace tipped the scales of justice in the man's favour causing him to land safely within the gates of Paradise. "Apparently, Jesus didn't just die for some of my sins, He died for all of them," said the man. "I really thought the lust thing might keep me out but as it turns out, Jesus died for that too. It's just so amazing. And the best part is that I have all of eternity to thank Him."
Gabriel said the man's story is a familiar one. "It's not uncommon for those who make it to be slightly surprised," he said. "They just never seem to fully grasp God's great love for them while living on earth. But when they arrive here all doubt is swept away forever. We're happy for them. We just wish they had learned to enjoy the journey."
BABBLERS PRESS - During a recent industrial accident at Frank's Construction a local employee somehow managed to get a piece of lumber stuck in his eye, but that didn't stop him from attempting to remove a small speck of sawdust from the eye of a co-worker.
"I could see the speck through my good eye, I just had to get it out, it was driving me nuts," said the man, who is now recovering in hospital after undergoing emergency surgery to remove the plank from his own pupil. "It actually looked bigger than a speck. I think the other workers saw it too but nobody took the initiative to help him."
The man with the speck said he was surprised to see a man approaching him who seemed to be in much worse shape than himself. "He was staggering all over the place, like someone drunk," he said. "I couldn't even see his face, it was covered by a big piece of wood. He was obviously having vision problems himself and yet here he was trying to help me see clearly. It's a good thing the paramedics arrived when they did. He almost poked my eye out trying to help me."
A spokesperson for Frank's Construction said they have adopted a new policy for industrial accidents. "Basically, what we're trying to get across to our workers is that you can't help somebody else if you are worse off than they are," he explained. "It's just common sense really. In this case, the guy who tried to help his buddy should have removed his own plank first, then he would have been able to see clearly enough to remove the speck from the eye of the other guy."
BABBLER PRESS - One local Christian who decided to stop giving and to focus more on himself during the 40 days of lent is battling guilt and depression now that it's over.
The man admitted the lent of 2017 was one of the most wild times of his entire religious life. "I did pretty much whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I ate like a pig and drank like a fish and spent most of my pay-checks on myself. And now it's all over," said the man while choking back tears. The man admitted that his marriage almost ended in divorce, he came close to getting arrested, his kids now hate his guts and he may have lost a couple of life-long friends.
"I really went nuts there for a while," he said. "I almost lost everything dear to me, including my relationship with God but it felt really good at the time. Now I just feel guilty and depressed. But I can't wait till next year."
BABBLERS PRESS - Every day, usually in the morning, one local man heads into "the prayer closet" to perform his daily devotions. The "prayer closet" is usually the spare bedroom/home office and the man's wife said he'll sometimes remain in there with the door closed for up to an hour.
On one recent morning the man's wife forgot he was in there and accidentally opened the door only to discover that the man was actually surfing Facebook. "It's devastating to realize your husband is not as spiritual as he appears," said the woman.
The man admitted he sometimes shortens his hour long devotional session by about 45 minutes in order to take care of other business. On the morning in question that business included surveying his Facebook news feed. "I just had to take a peak," he said. "I was afraid I might have missed something. Were some of my friends on another Caribbean Cruise? Did their kid win a gold medal at some sports tournament? Did somebody have a birthday? These questions were swirling around in my head and I just had to get some answers."
Meanwhile, the man's wife is pushing for a more open door policy with respect to her husband's devotional time. "I'm just not sure if I can trust him anymore," she said. "This time it was Facebook, next time it could be something worse."
BABBLERS PRESS - Every year one local man faithfully gives up the same thing for the 40 days of lent - Sour Cream and Onion Chips.
But sources close to the man, namely his wife and kids, are now saying that the man in question is not as "spiritual" as he appears. "He gives up those chips because he doesn't like them anyway," said his wife. "It would be like me giving up chocolate covered ants."
The man's son also confirmed his mother's assessment. "It's true, I've never seen my Dad eat Sour Cream and Onion Chips so obviously he doesn't like them. He still eats Chicken and Waffle flavoured ones because those are his favourite."
The man himself admitted that he despises the chips he abstains from but said at least he gives up something, unlike other "irreligious people" who don't even bother to give up anything. "Which is more spiritual?" the man asked. "To give up something you hate or to give up nothing at all? I think the answer is obvious."
Meanwhile, the man is also participating in a new diet plan which allows him to eat anything except food he doesn't like. He's only been on the plan for two weeks but already he's gained about 15 pounds.
BABBLERS PRESS - It was "a rough week" for one local man who decided to give Christianity a try after chronic drinking of alcohol failed to solve his personal problems. He responded to the Sunday night altar call at the local church where he usually attends twice a year on Christmas and Easter. But this time he decided to show up mid-season.
"I don't know what came over me," said the man who prefers to remain nameless because he's still somewhat embarrassed about the entire ordeal.. "Maybe I was still hung-over from the night before. But the Pastor preached a dandy of a message and I felt led to go forward. It felt really good at the time."
Upon waking up Monday morning, however, the man discovered that the feelings were already beginning to wane. "I still had to get up and go to work," he explained. "And my VISA card was still racked up and I had several other bills that needed to be paid."
Furthermore, the man said, his pregnant girlfriend was still pregnant, his 2002 Pontiac Sunfire still needed new tires and the rent on his one bedroom basement apartment was still overdue. To make matters worse some of his friends and family weren't overly excited about his newfound faith. In fact, some of them thought he had lost his mind altogether.
Around Friday afternoon he started to succumb to some of the temptations he had been battling since Monday morning. By Saturday evening, the man had decided that serving Christ just wasn't for him.
"It's just too hard," he said, "I mean, I tried it for a full week. Should it take five or six days to get your life straightened out? On TV people get their problems solved in an hour or two. What's up with that?"
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