"What does this babbler want to say?" - Acts 17:18
"What does this babbler want to say?" - Acts 17:18
BABBLERS PRESS - A local woman was ready to head out to her annual church women's conference when she noticed that the bible she has owned for more than 20 years still looked brand new.
"It looked like it just came out of the box," the woman admitted. "None of the verses were highlighted or underlined and none of the pages were ruffled."
In order to avoid giving "the wrong impression," the woman began flipping through pages with highlighter and pen in hand, making marks and scribbles and even ripping a few pages to make the thing look like it had been used.
"The word says somewhere to avoid all appearance of evil, so I certainly didn't want to look like one of those carnal Christians who never reads or studies the Word," she explained. Meanwhile, the woman is now busy frantically sharing Christian images, memes and verses on her various social media accounts to further compensate for her lack of genuine spirituality.
BABBLERS PRESS - According to a recent survey released by an institution that conducts such studies on a regular basis most Christians agree that the bible's primary use is to decorate one's living room or office.
"In other words, Christians believe the bible belongs primarily on the shelf, it's not to be read or studied" said one of the lead researchers. The survey contained only two questions. A) Are you a Christian? Yes or no. B) Do you believe the bible's chief purpose is for decoration or discipleship? Circle one. Eighty-five per cent of the respondents said yes to the first question, and in response to the second question eighty per cent circled decoration instead of discipleship.
"What this tells us is that only a very small percentage of those who call themselves Christians believe the bible should be used as a tool for personal spiritual development," explained the researcher. Meanwhile, the researcher said they are already planning another survey regarding Christian attitudes toward the church.
"Christians will be asked if they believe church is primarily a place of worship, or simply just a place to host weddings and funerals, should be interesting," he concluded.
BABBLERS PRESS - A local man who can't seem to get enough of the latest world headlines is troubled by a dark cloud that seems to be hanging over his head.
"It's not a literal cloud but it has the same effect," the man said. "There's a darkness looming over me and I can't seem to get rid of it. I spend hours everyday consuming news on TV and online and yet I don't feel any better."
A local psychologist said the man's depression may be partially due to the fact that the average news story coming out of major media outlets is generally negative in nature. "There's isn't much positive news," she said. "The focus tends to be on serious issues like murders, terrorist attacks or threats of attacks, mass shootings, problems with the economy or tweets by Donald Trump."
Meanwhile, the man said if things don't change with respect to his dismal mood he may have to switch from watching news to something a little less depressing such as horror movies, unsolved murder mysteries, or documentaries about how the planet is gradually being destroyed by global warming.
"If that doesn't work I may try reading the bible," he said. "I think there's a book in there called Lamentations or something. I'll probably start with that one."
BABBLERS PRESS - Some 5,000 men had been sitting and listening to Jesus, the controversial Rabbi from Nazareth, when suddenly his inner circle of disciples began distributing food to the multitude.
"All they had was five barely loaves and two small fish," said a witness who experienced the miracle for himself. "Yet we all got some. It was delicious too. I don't know how he did it but he managed to fill our bellies from practically nothing. It was like a miracle or something."
After the miracle the mob of men tried to forcibly make Jesus their king. The Rabbi quickly fled the scene but the mob caught up with him in Capernaum. It was there that the Rabbi made His outlandish claim to be the living Bread which came down from heaven.
"He told us that it order to have eternal life we had to eat his flesh and drink his blood," said another man. "What? Are you kidding me? Does he think he's better than Moses who gave our forefathers manna to eat?"
John, a member of Jesus' inner circle of 12 disciples, said Jesus tried to explain that he wasn't speaking literally but spiritually. "He was really just talking about the need to believe in Him as the Messiah," said John. "But they refused to believe in Him. That was the real problem."
Peter, the unofficial spokesperson for the group, said they didn't fully understand everything Jesus was saying either but they decided to stay with Him instead of going with the crowd because they had come to believe that He was indeed the promised Messiah.
"Who else can we go to?" said Peter. "He has the words of eternal life."
Christian news that's usually fictional, sometimes funny and always faith friendly!
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