"What does this babbler want to say?" - Acts 17:18
"What does this babbler want to say?" - Acts 17:18
BABBLERS PRESS - After watching his beloved wife struggle with a new diet plan one local husband decided to take action.
He committed himself to eat all the things his wife was trying to avoid including chips, cookies, and various other sugar laced goodies. He's also been ridding the house of sugary drinks by downing bottles of Pepsi and Root Bear every chance he gets.
"We had several two litre bottles of Pop left over from Christmas," explained the man. "So I've been chugging away at those. Of course, it means I also have to watch extra sports on TV and stuff because I tend to drink more Pop while watching sports for whatever reason."
But the man said he loves his wife so much that eating junk food while watching sports hardly seems like a sacrifice. "If that's what I have to do to remove those temptations from the house then so be it," he said. "It's the least I can do, not just as a husband but also as a Christian."
So far the man's sacrifice seems to be paying off. His wife is losing weight. The only downside is that the man himself is packing on the pounds like never before. "I've never been bigger," he admitted while chipping away at a box of Oreos. "But at least I have the satisfaction of knowing I'm helping the one I love."
BABBLERS PRESS - When the parents of one eight year-old boy learned their son thought he was a dog trapped in a boy's body they were slightly skeptical. When he started asking questions about species reassignment surgery they were downright concerned.
"We were hoping it was just a phase," admitted the boys mother. "But then the growling started, followed by the barking. When he started chasing cars we became concerned for his safety." The mother began to relate a certain incident involving the boy and a fire hydrant but was too emotional to continue the interview.
The boy's father said he was initially amused when their son demanded to be treated like a dog but says it became awkward when friends came over for a visit. "Sometimes he would crawl around the living room floor and sniff the guests," he said. "They were usually good about it, they would throw scraps of food on the floor for him to eat and things like that. But it was quite embarrassing for us."
It got so bad that the father devised a plan to convince the boy he was in fact a human and not an animal.
"I built a dog house," said the father, who incidentally enjoys wood working. "And I basically told our son that he would have to move out of his room and into the dog house in the backyard because his mother and I are both allergic to dogs."
After spending a night in the dog house the boy started to reconsider his identity. "It was cold out there and a little scary," admitted the boy. "So I'm thinking that maybe I'm just a boy after all."
The boy said he was further convinced when his parents replaced his usual diet of pizza and french fries with Purina Dog Chow.
"That was like the icing on the cake for me," he concluded. Meanwhile, the parents are relieved the dog faze is over but are concerned about their son's newest habit - chewing on wool.
BABBLERS PRESS - A ground breaking new study from the Institute of Ridiculous Research (IRR) confirms that consistent food intake has the potential to reduce a person's appetite.
After observing one woman's eating habits over a period of two days scientists with the IRR discovered that the subject appeared less hungry after finishing her meals. "We noticed that the woman was even less hungry after snacking between her meals," said one of the scientists. "Basically, what it tells us is that eating takes away your appetite."
The scientist went on to say they are conducting further research to see if there's a correlation between drinking and a reduction in thirst. But, he said, they are proceeding with caution because they don't want to jump to any conclusions. In addition, sources within the IRR said they are working on another study to see if there's a link between overeating and weight gain.
BABBLERS PRESS - Every day, usually in the morning, one local man heads into "the prayer closet" to perform his daily devotions. The "prayer closet" is usually the spare bedroom/home office and the man's wife said he'll sometimes remain in there with the door closed for up to an hour.
On one recent morning the man's wife forgot he was in there and accidentally opened the door only to discover that the man was actually surfing Facebook. "It's devastating to realize your husband is not as spiritual as he appears," said the woman.
The man admitted he sometimes shortens his hour long devotional session by about 45 minutes in order to take care of other business. On the morning in question that business included surveying his Facebook news feed. "I just had to take a peak," he said. "I was afraid I might have missed something. Were some of my friends on another Caribbean Cruise? Did their kid win a gold medal at some sports tournament? Did somebody have a birthday? These questions were swirling around in my head and I just had to get some answers."
Meanwhile, the man's wife is pushing for a more open door policy with respect to her husband's devotional time. "I'm just not sure if I can trust him anymore," she said. "This time it was Facebook, next time it could be something worse."
BABBLERS PRESS - Every year one local man faithfully gives up the same thing for the 40 days of lent - Sour Cream and Onion Chips.
But sources close to the man, namely his wife and kids, are now saying that the man in question is not as "spiritual" as he appears. "He gives up those chips because he doesn't like them anyway," said his wife. "It would be like me giving up chocolate covered ants."
The man's son also confirmed his mother's assessment. "It's true, I've never seen my Dad eat Sour Cream and Onion Chips so obviously he doesn't like them. He still eats Chicken and Waffle flavoured ones because those are his favourite."
The man himself admitted that he despises the chips he abstains from but said at least he gives up something, unlike other "irreligious people" who don't even bother to give up anything. "Which is more spiritual?" the man asked. "To give up something you hate or to give up nothing at all? I think the answer is obvious."
Meanwhile, the man is also participating in a new diet plan which allows him to eat anything except food he doesn't like. He's only been on the plan for two weeks but already he's gained about 15 pounds.
BABBLERS PRESS - Despite hearing several gospel messages, reading the Word himself and receiving many blessings from on High one local man struggles to believe He is unconditionally loved by His heavenly Father.
"It's just that I've failed Him so many times," said the man as he fought back tears. "Every day I get up and read my bible and pray and try to live according to His Word. But every day I fail in some way. Then I feel bad and start thinking. 'How could God love a sinner such as I?'"
The man admits that he has memorized John 3:16 which speaks plainly of God's love for humanity and that he understands the message of the cross but for whatever reason he still can't shake the feeling that he's somehow different from every other person on the planet. He still fears he may have messed up one too many times or that he may at last be shut out of heaven for some unknown sin he's failed to confess.
"I know John 3:16 says 'God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son' and that I'm in the world so it would include me but sometimes I just don't feel it," the man concluded.
BABBLERS PRESS - It wasn't poor preaching or sloppy worship that caused one local couple to start looking elsewhere for a new church home. It was the consistent lack of quality coffee being dished out from the church kitchen.
"It's like the preacher said in a sermon not too long ago," said the man. "Many people are pursuing a decaffeinated Christianity that won't perk you up or lift you up. But it's worse than that here. The teaching is fine and the people are wonderful but the coffee stinks."
The man's wife added that she was often frustrated by the lack of cream and sugar. "I don't know whose job it is to ensure the coffee supplies are adequately stocked but whoever it is they're failing miserably," she said. The woman added that the church should stop majoring on the minors and start thinking about what's really important.
"At the end of the day, does it really matter if the sermon is scriptural, or if the worship is done in a way that pleases God?" she said. "I mean, just look at Tim Horton's. They don't preach. They don't worship. But they serve excellent coffee and tasty donuts and the place is always packed. Duh."
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