"What does this babbler want to say?" - Acts 17:18
"What does this babbler want to say?" - Acts 17:18
BABBLERS PRESS - One local husband who spends very little time in the presence of his wife feels that everything is just fine in their "relationship."
"I work a lot, and I have other interests," he said. "I just don't have a lot of time to spare, and besides, I don't think I actually have to spend time with my wife to prove that I love her. I told her I loved her the day we were married and that if anything changed I would let her know."
The man normally visits his wife on the traditional dates of her birthday and their anniversary, which he said "should be enough for her." In between those two yearly visits the man spends a considerable amount of time with other women.
"I try to be inclusive," he said. "The fact is, my wife is not the only attractive woman in the world, there's literally thousands, if not millions, of them out there. If I limit myself to one woman. is that really fair to the other women in my life?"
Meanwhile, the man's wife says she is perfectly fine with the arrangement, because she likes spending time with other men. "I mean there's really no right or wrong way to have a relationship with your spouse," she said, "Whatever works for us is perfectly fine isn't it? Don't we live in a post-modern society?"
The couple insists their lack of commitment to each other hasn't had any negative impact on their two kids, although they haven't seen either of them in several years, and are not even sure if they're alive or dead.
BABBLERS PRESS - A man whose wi-fi was down for the better part of a day says his dopamine levels dropped to dangerous levels during the ordeal.
"Usually, I am able to check on the videos and photos I have uploaded to the internet to see how many likes and shares I am getting," he explained. "Just checking my posts and seeing the likes triggers a release of dopamine in my brain which increases my sense of well-being. And when that process is interrupted it creates havoc with my moods."
The man's wife said her husband's moods are unpredictable during the best of times but when the wifi goes down there's no telling what kind of mental and emotional state he could find himself in. "I wouldn't say he's moody, it's just that he can swing from happy to sad to angry to grouchy in the space of about 20 minutes," she said. "Social media helps with the process because if he's feeling down he can check his various accounts to get the Dopamine fix he so desperately needs."
Meanwhile, the man is wondering if there is such a thing as "dopamine deficiency pills," for people like himself who who don't have a reliable internet connection.
BABBLERS PRESS - Without really thinking about what he was doing, one local man decided to give up social media for the entire 40 days of lent. Just a few hours after beginning his "social media fast" the man started noticing people in his house, including a woman and some kids. As it turns out the people in his house were his wife and children.
"I just hadn't noticed them before," said the man, who normally spends the majority of his time online. "The wife and I were married several years ago and the kids are all mine. It was nice just getting to know them after all these years."
The children were also delighted to realize the man in the house with his head in the screen day and night was actually their father. "We thought it was him," said the oldest boy. "But we couldn't be sure. We thought perhaps he was in some sort of coma or something."
The wife was equally delighted to discover that the man in the house was her husband. "Maybe now I can actually get some help around here," she said. However, the wife's hopes may be in vain since the man has already declared his intention to return to social media as soon as lent is over "if not sooner."
BABBLERS PRESS - A local woman was ready to head out to her annual church women's conference when she noticed that the bible she has owned for more than 20 years still looked brand new.
"It looked like it just came out of the box," the woman admitted. "None of the verses were highlighted or underlined and none of the pages were ruffled."
In order to avoid giving "the wrong impression," the woman began flipping through pages with highlighter and pen in hand, making marks and scribbles and even ripping a few pages to make the thing look like it had been used.
"The word says somewhere to avoid all appearance of evil, so I certainly didn't want to look like one of those carnal Christians who never reads or studies the Word," she explained. Meanwhile, the woman is now busy frantically sharing Christian images, memes and verses on her various social media accounts to further compensate for her lack of genuine spirituality.
BABBLERS PRESS - According to a recent survey released by an institution that conducts such studies on a regular basis most Christians agree that the bible's primary use is to decorate one's living room or office.
"In other words, Christians believe the bible belongs primarily on the shelf, it's not to be read or studied" said one of the lead researchers. The survey contained only two questions. A) Are you a Christian? Yes or no. B) Do you believe the bible's chief purpose is for decoration or discipleship? Circle one. Eighty-five per cent of the respondents said yes to the first question, and in response to the second question eighty per cent circled decoration instead of discipleship.
"What this tells us is that only a very small percentage of those who call themselves Christians believe the bible should be used as a tool for personal spiritual development," explained the researcher. Meanwhile, the researcher said they are already planning another survey regarding Christian attitudes toward the church.
"Christians will be asked if they believe church is primarily a place of worship, or simply just a place to host weddings and funerals, should be interesting," he concluded.
BABBLERS PRESS - "They're always going on trips," said a local woman through tears, referring to her hundreds of Facebook friends who seem to be living an exceptionally happy and exciting life. "And their kids seem to be jewels of perfection." she continued. "Always smiling. Always winning medals and trophies. Am I the only one left on the planet with a dysfunctional family?"
After several hours of counselling the woman began to realize that Facebook does not always present an accurate picture of a person's life. "People tend to post pictures of special events and times when they appear to be happy," said the counsellor, who specializes in 'Facebook Depression.' "They usually don't post pictures when they're sad or grumpy."
The counsellor said it's not uncommon for people to smile just for a picture and then go right back to frowning. "We've even heard of cases where families on vacation stopped arguing long enough to take a family selfie and then continued fighting like cats and dogs once their little photoshoot is over," she further explained.
Meanwhile, the woman is still debating whether to spend less time on Facebook or to further max out her VISA in a last ditch effort to live a lifestyle she can't really afford.
BABBLERS PRESS - Fire fighters responded to a disturbing call Sunday past about a certain man at Grace Community Church who was reportedly said to be on fire for God.
"I have to be honest we're not really equipped to deal with these types of fires, you know.......the invisible ones" said the local fire chief while clearing his throat. "When we arrived we could see that the man was either in some type of pain or ecstasy, we couldn't tell which, but there was no visible fire that we could see. But we doused him just to be on the safe side."
The call to the fire department came from a man who was a first time visiter to the church. "I saw the pastor pray with somebody and then the man started jumping around and waving his arms in the air and people started screaming, 'he's on fire, he's on fire," he explained. "That's when I whipped out my cell phone and called the fire department, even though I couldn't actually see the fire they were referring too."
In response to the entire ordeal the pastor of the church has started a new discipleship class called, "Spiritual fire versus physical fire; when to rejoice and when to call 911."
BABBLERS PRESS - A family vacationing from another part of the country decided to attend the Sunday morning service at the local community church, but just five minutes into the service they decided to quietly slip out the back.
"We were quite sure that a funeral was about to take place," explained the mother. "Everybody was so quiet and somber. People barely spoke to each other. The atmosphere was dark and heavy. Even the children looked depressed. We actually couldn't wait to get out of there:"
The Pastor explained to BP that there was no funeral at all, the visiting family had simply walked in on their regular Sunday morning service.
"My apologies to the family," he said. "I guess you could say we're not a church that really gets excited about............anything at all. We tend to keep things highly organized and traditional. Some people like it ,some don't, you can't please everybody."
Meanwhile, the Pastor did say they are gradually introducing more modern and lively elements into their services. "For instance, just recently during my four minute homily I spoke an entire sentence that wasn't pre-planned, and we're also working on a whole new line of written prayers for various occasions that can be used spontaneously," he concluded.
BABBLERS PRESS - One local Christian man says he's not one bit bashful about sharing his faith and he totally plans to start doing it as soon as his feelings line up with his intentions..
"Believe me, I fully intend to share my faith, but right now the feeling is just not there," he said. "It's like exercise. There are times when I want to work-out or go for a walk but by the time I'm ready to do it the feeling usually passes. And so I don't do it."
The overweight and grossly out of shape man said he expects the "urge to share" to come someday but until then he's content to let his friends and neighbours continue their lives without knowing Jesus.
"There's a part of me that wants to share my faith," he said. "But there's another part of me that doesn't want to share my faith, or do much of anything for that matter. So ['m just going to wait for the two parts to get in agreement. What else can I do?"
BABBLERS PRESS - A local man who can't seem to get enough of the latest world headlines is troubled by a dark cloud that seems to be hanging over his head.
"It's not a literal cloud but it has the same effect," the man said. "There's a darkness looming over me and I can't seem to get rid of it. I spend hours everyday consuming news on TV and online and yet I don't feel any better."
A local psychologist said the man's depression may be partially due to the fact that the average news story coming out of major media outlets is generally negative in nature. "There's isn't much positive news," she said. "The focus tends to be on serious issues like murders, terrorist attacks or threats of attacks, mass shootings, problems with the economy or tweets by Donald Trump."
Meanwhile, the man said if things don't change with respect to his dismal mood he may have to switch from watching news to something a little less depressing such as horror movies, unsolved murder mysteries, or documentaries about how the planet is gradually being destroyed by global warming.
"If that doesn't work I may try reading the bible," he said. "I think there's a book in there called Lamentations or something. I'll probably start with that one."
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